Kuran Kaname’s Bishonen Guide to Pedobear-ing
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: If you are, by any chance, a simpering little VK fangirl who will just whine and bitch about how and why other people can’t seem to understand that VK is a beautiful, tragic story about three tortured souls who live in the trenches of existences in the middle of the war between good and evil, GTFO! This is a joke post that is not really meant for anything else more than humor. I make fun of the show, not the fans. Now I will again kindly ask you to please GTFO.
Oh yeah… This post contains guy talk on objectifying gullible girls that people without a sense of humor may find offensive and crude. This blog’s only excuse is that this post is written by a girl whose only excuse is that overly gullible and naïve chicks like this series’ female lead are objectionable.
Well… Kuran Kaname finally got himself a girlfriend. As of episode 6 of Vampire Knight Guilty, Cross Academy’s resident mancandy /one-woman pedobear and the little tarsier girl are finally a couple. And because mancandies usually attract the He’s-pretty-so-I-just-wanna-look-at-him-and-everything-he-wishes-is-honored crowd, his fangirls just cry and accept.
So just how did he do it? It’s so simple that even you can do it! Just follow 8 simple steps to win the girl of your dreams!
Step 1: Save the girl from a vampire that wants to eat her.
Chicks dig dudes who save them from “something” when they were still lolis. Do this and you will automatically be elevated to the status of god in their eyes. This will guarantee that when they reach an age where they are developed enough, you can take them away and they won’t so much as peep because their little misguided hearts have transformed hero-worship into love.
Kaname has been stalking his child bride forever and ended up saving her from another vampire who wants to eat her. This act alone shot him to the top of her “My hero” chart.
Step 2: Grow up to be a bishie.
Who the hell cares if you are probably a hundred years old? You only need to maintain your looks that you can pass for a high school student in her school so you can stalk her some more. Hence, making your pedobearing a hundred times easier other than just standing outside of her school every afternoon when school lets out. That would be a bitch if she went to a boarding school and live on campus.
Since season one, Kaname does virtually nothing but hang out in the Moon Dorm doing nothing but lie down on couches in bishonen poses with contemplative expressions on his face and slapping other bishonens for being more bishonen than he is. Now that he has established his position as top bishie and attain a whole dorm of minions and another one of fangirls, he stands up a little more upright, leaning against walls. Along with his exalted position in this world’s vampire pecking order and having tons of random abilities like shooting holes through trees and mind fucking, he is now at the pinnacle of the bishonen pecking order.
Step 3: Get supporters for your course.
With a whole band of minions that will get your support, the only other hindrance to your cause is your main rival for the girl’s heart. Turn your only competition to the tarsier-eyed girl of your dreams into one of your minions by manipulating him into thinking that he’s actually being her minion. This can be easily done by feeding him. This may seem ghey, but it’s a worthwhile investment. Having accomplish this task, you no longer have to bothered being around to protect her when she’s in actual danger and you can hone your skills on leaning against walls and make yourself more bishonen.
After that uber-gay scene at last season’s last episode, Kaname can now torment his main rival, Zero, by saying that it’s his pure vampire blood that enables him to get all the powers and abilities to protect Yuuki. That would be equivalent to Kaname being the one to save Yuuki.
Step 4: Compliment her. Even when there’s nothing to compliment.
Her doe eyes take over half her face that it barely leaves space for her nose and mouth. She’s built like a twelve-year old even if she’s already a high school student so-… Oh yeah, I forgot. This is an aniblog. This is considered as moe in some circles. Even if her chest is as flat as a board that the couches that you’ve lied down on is a million times softer than that. She will even think that it’s incredibly sweet if it doesn’t do a damn thing for you that you actually end up sleeping on it. She’s not even oppai enough for her to be offended enough to find you a pervert for doing it.
Oh well… Kaname just joined the bandwagon.
Step 5: Declare yourself like a man.
After getting her to admit that because you’re so uber-bishonen and that she will never be good enough for you, you move in for the kill and tell her that she’s now your girlfriend. Girls with super low self-esteem are so easy. Because you are an uber-cool bishonen, you should never pick her up from her dorm and any other menial stuff like that. You have you minions escort her to classes and your first afternoon tea date. This only comes naturally in the hierarchy of the bishonen pecking order.
Despite never telling Yuuki anything other than “wanting to protect her” and “I love you.” no matter how many times she asks, Yuuki’s love for her childhood hero never ceases. So Kaname just tells her that if she tells her the whole truth, it would be under the condition that they will be a couple.
Step 6: Be all mysterious and shit.
Who needs bullshit like respect and honesty in relationships when you can get away with plain sweet talk? Considering the fact that you’re an alpha-bishie and that she’s been in love with you since she was a loli means she won’t care how much shit you pull out of your ass to avert actual important conversation, she’ll buy it. Also, speaking in a slow manner with a low voice will make her think the word vomit that you spit out of your mouth were well-thought of and that you have brains.
Mega-bishies like Kaname is one of those dudes who never speak in a straightforward manner. His favorite phrases include “That’s none of your business,” “You need not concern yourself about that,” And “All the pieces have been gathered.”
Step 7: Make your first kiss a memorable one!
Yeah, feeding her blood on your first kiss will guarantee that this is going to be an unforgettable first kiss. Who the hell would forget having a bloody first kiss?
Sure, he turned her into a vampire, but humans die earlier than humans so that’ll extend her lifespan and make her loli-er longer. Kaname figures it wouldn’t be any fun if she actually starts growing up and lost her loli looks, while you’re still ultra-bishie.
Step 8: Reveal yourself to be her older brother.
-_-”’ Because nothing makes a fangirl’s heart flutter more than the fact that they’ve been having weird fantasies about their older brother -_-”’ After that, announce that you would have been much more happier if you were her real brother after she faints.
What… the… hell… was that???
Now… if these helpful tips doesn’t help you, you are probably not a bishie and you’ll probably never get the girl. Kuran Kaname-sama empathizes will all the ugly bastards in the world for not being bishonen.
+++++++
Author’s Note: I have to admit… despite the deviation from the manga (I only read up the part where Yuuki was awakened), the pacing of the story has majorly improved. This, however, does not change my opinion of any of the three main leads: Kaname the pedobear, Yuuki the tarsier, and her pet Zero. Damn you, Xeph!!! For making me watch this show!!! I only intended to episodes with Shiki in it :’(
Themocracy
I’ve avoided watching this show at all costs, but this post is hilarious. Also, i’m not sure if it’s my computer, but some of the links to your images are broken
Oh yeah, it happens to me as well, but I’ve worked out that you just refresh very often and different picture will load each time – they don’t all load at the same time, so just keep refreshing like I did,
MY EYES!!! I clicked the link. Now those tarsers are going to give me nightmares.
@shirokiryuu: images are A-OK on my end. let me know if there’s still something wrong.
@xephfyre: did you fix it already? i wouldn’t really know since i can view everything fine on my end. PS: I want my old Shibasaki gravatar :’( make!
@beanbrew: tarsiers are endangered species and are considered to the world’s smallest
rodentprimate. but yeah… those eyes are freaky.[...] made my first post in the group blog I abandoned in a long time. I think the last time I wrote something here was for [...]
Yes~! This made my day (that’s saying something I think since it’s ten minutes from midnight). Just about every thing about Vampire Knight that has irked me for so long in a handy and fun to read how-to guide.
And omg that animal. Half of its brain must be used just to make those gigantic eyes work. And now every time I see Yuki…I will laugh and cringe at the same time.
Holy mother of God I would never look at Kaname the same way again XD… You’re really genius. Believe it or not XD. Kaname really needs to be inside that pedobear costume. (Or is it really him inside that?
FatherBrother of incestuous pedobears? O_o)P.S. – Really, Yuuki is the only tarsier found in Japan.
Love the photos with captions! Hilarious as ever. xD I only generally manage to get through watching VK because of Kaien Cross and Zero.
I know you’re only interested to see the Shiki arc… I’d love to read about that if you ever decide to post about it. ^_^
[ID SOJOURNER]
HAHAHAHAHA!!! THOSE WERE MY THOUGHTS WHEN I SAW AN EPISODE OF VK IN MY COLLEGE’S ANIME CLUB.
@fuyumaiden: we share the same sentiments about this character. and LOL! that animal is renowned and endangered in the philippines. they’re cute though. they fit the palm of your hand.
@kanzeon: pedobear in bishonen’s clothing
@azshrarost: thanks… i guess ^^
@hazy: i like shiki and rima, but not enough of them in the manga/anime to keep my interest in it. but… it looks like i’m actually gonna end up completing the season (save episodes with shiki) despite vowing never to touch this with a 10 foot pole. i’ll probably not write much about shiki… i’m still planning on two more VK posts though.
@The Sojourner: if you only saw one episode and thought that, imagine if you’ve seen all episode O_O
Bookmarked for future referencing.
@shin: future reference!?!? start saving random lolis nao!!!
[...] are people who are destined to great things. Kuran Kaname-sama is at the pinnacle of achieving great things! After all, this alpha-bishonen has a pack of [...]
FFFFFF even though I’m a VK fan I lol’d so hard.
ROFL – I love the Y/K pairing and I have no problem with the loli (I write lolicon fanfiction for Sesshoumaru and Rin from Inuyasha all the time – though there is no sex with her before she’s mid-teens so it’s loli-lite – lol.) or the incest (because I’m a sick fuck)… BUT THIS IS FREAKIN HILARIOUS!!!
I love that you pointed out one thing I DO have a problem with – the fact that he ORDERED her to become his lover, and made it a CONDITION of telling her about her past, as well as the fact that he TRICKED HER into being his lover before she KNEW he was her older brother.
As much as I love the pairing, I think Kaname is creepy – not as creepy as Edward Cullen – but creepy non-the-less!
Great post, completely hilarious!
<3
RS
Despite being a die-hard Kaname fan, this was absolutely HILARIOUS! Loved it!
OH holy mother of batman, priceless post. I love Kaname despite being a Zero fan (and a Zero/Yuuki fan) so this one = PERFECTION.
And oh, ShikixRima pwns all. XD
lol!!! Whatta freak! But damn hilariously great! Before I went to this post, I thought that I would be disappointed ‘coz someone might throw trash to the VK love trio… but then, I ended up wiping my “tears of laughter”… hahaha…
Then I reflected afterwards, no matter how you love your anime guy/gal… sometimes, you may also play some silly stuffs on them, just for a change… and of course, for fun… it’ll surely make you crave for more of that anime… 
Haha this was hilarious. :]
I adored VK manga, but when the anime came out, I died a little inside.
VK is now just another Twilight, except with bishies that don’t sparkle like glitter lip gloss.
OMG I love you! My friends would hate this, but it made me laugh. I hate Kaname. I really do.
LOLZ! I just couldn’t stop laughing at this!
Very funny! Keep them coming!
i love vk but omg was that funny XD i wanna see one on skip beat
and bleach XD
this is really good !!!! it really made me laugh so much!! hahaha!!!
and i’m actually a KanamexYuuki fan so i really like this!! 
Thank you! This just made my day!!
LOL, Wow that was really funny. I kept laughing behind the PC, while the rest of the house thought I was going crazy!^_^
Actually, Kaname really is a pedobear. He’s her grandfather (ancestor!) after all.. lol. Funny pairing!
Dude, I think I just fell in love with you… or wait, is it just hero-worship that makes my heart flutter oh so gently ^^. In any case, you just brightened my night, long live sarcasm.
O…M….G….. THAT…. WAS FRICKIN’ HILARIOUS!!!! Everyone in my house is asleep at the moment, so I had to take my laptop outside so that I wouldn’t wake everyone up with my laughter. Thanks so much! I had been feeling depressed lately, but no more!!
Arigatou gozaimasu!! (btw, I love VK, but I love ZeroXYuuki, so I LOVED this. 
)
haha… awesome, that was friggin’ hillarious!! love this post since imma fan of zero n yuuki!
n hm, i can’t see the images, i wonder if it was my laptop system at fault. hm…
It’s hilarious.. I wonder what Hino sensei might say when she sees this? sarcasm indeed.. It’s a means to get revenge after loosing to all the Yume scenes..
It’s hilarious.. I wonder what Hino sensei might say when she sees this? sarcasm indeed.. It’s a means to get revenge after loosing to all the Yume scenes..
LOVED IT!
i think if the images DID, i would laugh a lot more!
Hahaaaaa, even though i love VK, this completely made my day! i just kept laughing, realizing how much of a pedobear kaname is XDDDD
and wondering… why wont the imagines open up?
great story!